Last year, one Tasteless Secret Santa present was a "Back Alley Abortion Barbie." I'd like to suggest some other Barbies for the women of the 90's. Mattel, are you listening?
Lenore Levine
Outfitted in blue jeans (tight because of overconsumption of junk food) and T-shirt bearing picture of the Mandelbrot set. Comes complete with computer, black coffee, takeout cartons, and failed attempts at thesis to use as toilet paper.
Pull a ring, and it says, "Math is tough!"
Also available: Thesis Advisor Ken with whip.
Has bruised face and detachable nose. Comes with pancake concealing makeup and bottle of Darvons.
Says, "I take care of myself, because I like myself!"
This doll is sold with its own Macintosh computer, and two books: "Dictionary of Smilies," and "The Internet for Idiots." Has secret Cranial Cavity where your little girl can store her treasures.
Same Cranial Cavity as America On-Line Barbie. Dressed in designer white sheet. (Blonde, brunette and redhead models only.)
This is our deluxe Empty Head Barbie. When you fill Cranial Cavity with water, it drools!
Wears white dress to show off bodily secretions. Fill it with peanut butter, it shits. Fill it with strawberry jam, it menstruates. Fill it with pizza, it barfs! Comes complete with circular saw for squicking.
Pull the ring, it says, "How can I get in the FAQ?"
For women who resent the worship given these cultural icons. Supermodel Barbie has detatchable arms, legs and breasts. Sold with rack, thumbscrews, and Torture Chamber Ken.
Currently available as Cindy Crawford Supermodel Barbie, Elle MacPherson Supermodel Barbie, Christy Turlington Supermodel Barbie and Naomi Campbell Supermodel Barbie (sold with sepia Torture Chamber Ken).
Sold with vial of Plutonium Atoms and Hunchbacked Servant Ken. (Warning: not suitable for children under three, who may attempt to ingest Plutonium Atoms.)
This model is even more slender than the original Barbie. Comes with diaper for incontinence, shared needles, unused box of rubbers and paste-on Kaposi's Sarcomas.
AIDS Barbie is also available as Cancer Barbie with wig, lump on breast and inspirational books, Anorexia Barbie with barf bag and lettuce salad, and with high-fashion clothing as Kate Moss Barbie.
Deluxe AIDS Barbie in handmade ethnic costume. Bosnian Barbie in blonde, brunette and redhead. Somalian Barbie in sepia, complete with authentic infibulation.