Did you ever wonder what your cat was saying?

Courtesy the Usenet Oracle (Most Valued and Omnipotent, He.)
If you care to see the original article, I've saved a copy of it.

Date: Tue, 11 Oct 94 19:57:24 -0500
From: Usenet Oracle 
Subject: Usenet Oracularity #682-06
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
> I have three cats.  Two speak normally and say 'miaow',
> but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'.
> Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Cat translation dictionary
}         Volume I -- Common phrases
}          compiled by T. U. Oracle
} Cat phrase              Means
} ==========              =====
} miaow                   Feed me.
} meeow                   Pet me.
} mrooww                  I love you.
} Miioo-oo-oo             I am in love and must meet my
}                         betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
}                         Don't wait up.
} mrow                    I feel like making noise.
} rrrow-mawww             Please, the time is come to tidy
}                         the cat box.
} rrrow-miawww            I have remedied the cat box untidiness
}                         by shoveling the contents as far out
}                         of the box as was practical.
} miaowmiaow              Play with me.
} Miaowmioaw              Have you noticed the shortage of
}                         available cat toys in this room?
} mioawmioaw              Since I can find nothing better to
}                         play with, I shall see what happens
}                         when I sharpen my claws on this
}                         handy piece of furniture.
} raowwwww                I think I shall now spend time
}                         licking the most private parts
}                         of my anatomy.
} mrowwwww                I am now recalling, with
}                         sorrow, that some of my private
}                         parts did not return with me
}                         from that visit to the vet.
} Roww-maww-roww          I am so glad to see that you have
}                         returned home with both arms full
}                         of groceries. I will now rub myself
}                         against your legs and attempt to
}                         trip you as you walk towards the
}                         kitchen.
} gakk-ak-ak              My digestive passages seem to have
}                         formed a hairball. Wherever could
}                         this have come from? I shall leave
}                         it here upon the carpeting.
} mow                     Snuggling is a good idea.
} moww                    Shedding is pretty good, too.
} mowww!                  I was enjoying snuggling and shedding
}                         in the warm clean laundry until you
}                         removed me so unkindly.
} Miaow! Miaow!           I have discovered that, although one
}                         may be able to wedge his body through
}                         the gap behind the stove and into that
}                         little drawer filled with pots and pans,
}                         the reverse path is slightly more
}                         difficult to navigate.
} Mraakk!                 Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
} ssssRoww!               I believe that I have found a
}                         woodchuck or similar animal.
} mmmrowmmm               It is certain that the best tasting
}                         fish is one you have caught yourself.
} mmmmmmm                 If I sit in the sunshine for another
}                         hour or so, I think I shall be
}                         satisfied.
} Mreoaw                  Please ask room service to send up
}                         another can of tunafish.
} Mreeeow                 Do you serve catnip with that?
} mroow                   I have forced my body into a tiny
}                         space in order to look cute.
}                         How'm I doin?
} Miaooww! Mriaow!        Since you are using the can opener,
}                         I am certain that you understand the
}                         value of a well-fed and pampered
}                         cat. Please continue.
} As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately
} distinguish some of these forms.
} You owe the Oracle a can opener that doesn't require an opposable
} thumb.

Last updated: Thu Oct 13 09:56:51 EDT 1994 by Alan DeKok